Finally, an update!
08.21.06 (7:58 pm) [edit]Check out my site! It includes several tracks that recorded.
Peace!!!
Its just how I feel today
07.13.06 (10:39 pm) [edit]What do you do when you are incredibly lonely and noone seems to see you.
You yell and scream just to get attention and most times, its still won't do..
Sometimes its like a hallow space that occupy your heart, heavy with the weight of nothing;
will someone ever fill it up with something
substantial, material, long-lasting
or will you continue to be invisible until...
Eyes Wide Open
02.26.06 (6:47 pm) [edit]Well, I've added or updated the Springs of Living Water Productions site. It only has one page right now, but that should be enough. I think its time for me to start concentrating on MoJVE and putting forth more effort into it. Its funny; it seems as though I always end up setting aside what's in my heart to do in an attempt to "help" others realize their potential. Lord, help me...I am going to start my own project; I am going to get things going for myself. That's all for now
So Much To Do...
02.01.06 (10:55 am) [edit]Okay, so we are working on the benefit that we hope to have in March. There are so many things to do that I almost don't know where to start. I asked Dub if she would help with the bookkeeping end of MoJVE. Basically she said she would help in a very limited and reserved way. I don't know if I will ever find another person or persons who will help me realize the vision of MoJVE. Maybe its meant for me to do it alone. I really don't know, but I'll keep moving on until God tells me otherwise. I've got several projects I need to finish, so pray that I will complete them soon!!!
Later
EM
Often forgotten
01.03.06 (9:37 pm) [edit]:?: You know, for as long as I can remember, I have been looked over or simply forgotten. Its to the point where it bothers me; I know I shouldn't allow it to, but after years (and I mean YEARS) of being overlooked in almost everything, I'm growing tired of it. If not overlooked then most of the ideas that I offer are claimed by others. If I voice my discontent, I'm being petty and not focusing on what is important. The alternative is to bottle it up, risking a blowup. How does this fit into the journaling of MoJVE and its progress? As of today, I am the sole proprietor of MoJVE, so everything that affects me affects MoJVE. I guess I shouldn't look for attention or thanks, but what to do?
:(
My birthday?
12.30.05 (11:37 pm) [edit]:cry: and :D today was hard!!!! I guess I shouldn't expect anything but I do. Had several revelations and some have to do with my mother. I don't want to get into it here but the long and short of it is I will apologize to her and maybe start treating her to a weekend breakfast. We'll see how that turns out! I'm really excited for what will be in 2006. I'm also frightened, but I know the Lord will give me grace to meet the challenges. So tired....I'll write more later
Hard Day
12.20.05 (12:36 pm) [edit]For some reason, today is a very hard day for me. I just want to curl up under the covers and go to sleep, waking up to something new. Oh well; the odds are very much against waking up to something other than my ordinary. Someone just stopped by my desk and began to "join" me in my pity party. We started talking about how we hated our situation and how some get all the breaks while others continue to struggle. Then in mid sentence, she began to speak to me about how she realized that she must take her eyes off her own situation and have-nots and just paraise the Lord. My God...SHE BEGAN TO WITNESS TO ME!!!! The Lord filled her with such wisdom and the exact words to speak. I never thought I would be encouraged by this woman, yet the Lord used her in a mighty way. I will pray for the Lord to reveal to her the destiny He's purposed for her life. I will also pray the riches of heaven to visit her household. Thank you God, for you are always faithful!!!!!
Out of the Fog
12.12.05 (7:37 am) [edit]Saturday was a hard day for me. Actually, I had been depressed since Thursday morning. I've noticed that I'm getting hit with waves of depression more frequently and sometimes it scares me. Maybe this is payback for how I viewed my mother. I can remember her going through bouts of depression and the scary part is, she was about my age. Our family was having financial troubles and so I've always contributed her moods to that. What is my excuse? Someone told me, during a heated conversation that I was too hard to please or that I'm never satisfied; that God's love should be sufficient and I should rest in that. It was weird at the time because we were arguing about something else and I felt as though this came out of left field. The funny thing is, without examination, I would almost agree with that assessment, if not for this: I think I hold people to a "standard" that in my mind, we've both established. When they do something that's below "standard", I'll get upset and want to hold them to a level of accountability. The problem is this, most people, regardless of what the "implied" standard is, will operate out of self-preservation and will disregard the accountability portion of falling below the standard. And if they happen to be a "Christian", is usually followed with some perverted twist of the word or an excuse, "supported" by a perversed thought process. Its almost impossible to "reason" with a "Christian". Some of them or us believe "observations" can be made about a person without having to defend or support their "findings". Others feel as though they can "in love", discuss your problems and even have the nerve to "suggest" options or counsel you. However, they do not know who you are except for what the see through blinded vision. This, above most everything else is the source of my "unsatisfaction". I know that we all fall short; I just want us to "own up" and be responsible. If you mess up, just admit it and move on. Do I always do this? Well, I try to. I try to make a mindful attempt to practice this. You know what they say, Character is charred in belief. I like this definition: "Character is who we really are. It's what we do when no one is looking. It' s the accumulation of thoughts, values, words and actions. These become the habits that comprise our character. That character determines our destiny." Arizona Character Education Foundation &nb sp; So, maybe this is the true source of my "depression"; that those around me or maybe its just those I allow in my "inner circle", not just fail the standard, but are not willing to accept responsiblity for their actions without going through a long, drag out discussion. So after pondering this since Thursday, no wonder I was a pile of mess by Saturday. I was invited to two Christmas parties Saturday evening; one was with my employer, the 2nd was with the minstry I'm involved with. I chose to go to the "ministry" party and was a little disappointed. Ususally, they are tons of fun but this year, it was more sober (I think that's the word I'm looking for). I did get a prophetic word and it resonates with my spirit. To go into it now would be much too long. In short, be careful of certain people around me. Hold on to the promises of God, for He does not lie. This serves more as a confirmation. Now, what to do? What not to do? One thing's for certain, I don't like "black days" (depression); I guess what I will do is not put so much into others. The standards are still in place, because they can't be altered. But I will work towards only confronting when God tells me to confront, and allow the Holy Spirit to operate. Yeah, I know, I should have been doing this all along; its just that some things get me upset and I can't help but to comment on them. No more of that!!! I'm not going seclude myself, either. I am going to wait for God to bring the "right people" or restore those I'm involved with. I won't get offended when a stupid remark is made without forethought or reason. I won't make a big deal out of those who consistently operate with double-standards. I will look at them, smile and thank God for His faithfulness in my life.
Later
Frustrated
12.06.05 (3:10 pm) [edit]Okay, so I'm in a band with three other individuals, ladies; it seems as though we come from different backgrounds and influences. What I don't understand is how we can go through issue after issue and still be in the same place. What I mean is, we'll have a major dilema/confrontation, talk hours and hours, end with a compromise and a promise to "try harder", just to end up in the same spot. I'm just to the point where I'm tired of dealing with this. There is a major battle we face constantly; its called MISCOMMUNICATION. Also, our comprehension level is not the same. We have had countless conversations and things still get misinterpreted. How do you move forward when there are those who don't want to seek help from people who can recognize the problem(s), and also assist with the healing process. If we could do it alone, God would have given us all the same portion of giftings and talents; we would not have to work with others to bring about His kingdom. We are trying to walk in the calling we all feel the Lord has positioned us for during this season. However, not all of us are willing to be submissive and sit under authority. Can anyone offer some advice?
EM
the last 15 years, a blur...
12.05.05 (11:07 am) [edit]What happened? I had dreams and goals to reach; power to obtain; people to impress. I didn't have time to hang out with my "friends" and go to parties. I could care less about fashion and styles; I was going places and was going to be somebody!!! From time to time, I "google" some of my classmates just to see where they are and how their lives are progressing. "WOW!!!" A national recording artist, many sucessful business owners, world travelers, school principals, high-priced LA attorneys, screenplay writers, scientists; at the bottom of the list, a policy typist. Yeah, you guessed it...I'm the policy typist. Its my own fault really. I didn't have enough nerve to go to a school which would prepare me for want I wanted to do...audio engineering, which hopefully would have resulted in my own record label. Well, I've been trying to do this music thing for such a long time and I guess through all of it, I've become less shy, although I still have issues from time to time. Its just that, sometimes I feel as though I've failed myself. I know this isn't true, it just feels that way. The other thing is, because I knew that I was going to have the "wonderful" life, I didn't take time to make friends. As a result, I have no high shool or college friends...what a shame. I do realize that we go through things in life to prepare us for whatever our future is. I'm just wondering when my future will start. Am I being a little...melancholy? Probably, but we all deserve a day of reflection so let me have mine. Well, maybe this music/business thing will work out. No, it will work out. Do me a favor; keep hitting my site to view my progress. You can be my accountability.
ttyl
EM
It keeps going and going...
12.03.05 (10:26 pm) [edit]Let me start by saying that I've been involved with a local healing, evangelistic ministry for over five years now. In the recent past, I have not been as available due to my...what's the word, pursuit. I always knew that my time with the organization and other established organizations would be brief, but my hope is to stay connected, providing a bridge over gaps that the body of Christ has perpetuated for far too long. I like to call them "Christian" gangs or religi-gangs. I think you know what I'm referring to, churches against churches, ministries against minstries; "...if you don't go to my church or ministry, you're wrong, blah, blah, blah..."; or my favorite, "your church doesn't meet in a building with a cross on top, offices in the back and the deacons or elders present, so you all are in error...". What a bunch of political crap!!! Now, because of everything I've written prior to this sentence, some of those in my circle will read this and probably be offended. But the truth of the matter is, we all operate in error because we are not perfect; we strive to be like Jesus, who was and is perfect, but we can't even love each other without stipulations or personal gain. This applies to 95% (it would be higher, but I don't want to come off as being negative) of the "saved". So how can you condemn another? We do examine the fruit of a person or organization, yes. Do we also discern the heart of the matter? Do we take the time to prove or disprove rumors set in place by the enemy to keep us separated? Sadly, no. Time after time, we act as the enemy's tools. The funniest of all is the enemy doesn't make us do anything (right now I'm referring strictly to the "saved"). All he has to do is "suggest", "introduce" or my favorite, "seduce". That's what it is, a big seduction to our egos, intellect, pride. Ouch!!! So, back to the reason for this writing. Again, I haven't been attending the ministry's meetings because I'm being shifted towards devoting more time to my music business and the band. However, through the course of circumstances and situations, I invited a co-worker to accompany me. Not to put her business "out there", she's had a rough time and is trying to re-build or simply build her life. She agreed to go several Fridays back (meetings are usually on Fridays), but we agreed to go last night instead. It could not have been a more perfect time. I kept my eye on her to examine her responses to the meeting and I tell you, she was truly blessed. God moves, and if nothing else, a seed was planted last night. My realization is this, people are hurting and dying, and we are playing this petty game of who's more right? The question should be, do you believe God gave His only Son, Jesus Christ to die for our sins, so that all who believes and confesses with his mouth, 'Jesus Christ is Lord and Savior of my life because He died for me and I accept Him as such, with a whole heart and mind' will be saved; That subsequent to His death, burial and ressurection, He left The Comforter or Holy Spirit for those joined in His name; that when His body was broken and His blood was shed, this was and is authority released to those who believe; that we are victorious because God's word claims it and He made a way for it through His Son, Jesus Christ? Shouldn't this be the common cord or cords that bind believers? I'm sure someone will want to debate any or all of this but I'm not here to debate. In fact, there is no debate. This is my observation. What does this have to do with last night you ask? Well, more of the realization is in our attempt to not be "religious", we create a "religion". Did you get that? Or let me put it this way, in our attempt to not be controlled and exercise our "freedoms", we become the controller because our way becomes the new right way. Then, we "invite" or "recruit" people to our team and train them "our way" instead of God's way. But guess what? No one individual has it "all" or knows it all. Hence the term, Interependence. And yet another realization, ineffective communication or even no communication. A friend of mine introduced The Abilene Paradox to me during dinner last evening. In a nutshell, we do things or are a part (or separated) from things that were never meant to be because we misrepresent the truth or our stand on a situation. I'm going to try something new...I'm going to not compromise in my responses. Let's see how long this will last.
Until next time...
EM